As I stare at the list of unfinished posts, three adventures that I have no way to get published, and a dream project being scrapped because I was just a little too late again, I try to collect my thoughts in the most coherent way that I can.
When I started The DM Doctor about four and a half years ago, I had two main goals I wanted to achieve: 1) To help others love Roleplaying Games as much as I did and 2) To at least achieve one dream in my life – be a writer who’s work made a difference in someone’s life.
I struggle with writing this because I know it comes off as a “poor me” and “please, I need attention!!!” But I am certain this post, this site will all be gone in time, so perhaps it no longer matters. I try to avoid talking too much about myself, because there are just things too hard to even confess to myself. Growing up, I had many different dreams and goals I wanted to do in life. Over the years, I’ve since come to witness as each dream became impossible. Impossible not because it was unlikely to happen, but impossible because something would happen or I would make a choice that truly made it impossible.
Writing was the one I saved for last. Saving writing for last was because writing would be my fail-safe. Writing was meant to be that which would give me one last hope to do something meaningful.
The fears and doubts from losing the chance at so many other dreams combined with the persistent depression and double-depressive episodes associated with my dysthymia all delayed my progress. Part of those delays was me trying to hold on to this last hope. I felt that if I never really went all-in and made that leap to make this dream a reality, then I could say that it wasn’t another failed dream because I still had time.
Now I know, there really isn’t anyone to read this. In fact, I barely even get search index crawlers to run through the site. But to the one, maybe two people who actually took the time, “Thank you.”
I can honestly say that I am glad no one is here to see me right now. I’m actually about an hour late for picking my kids up for the day. But I felt that I needed to do this.
I’m all set as best as I can be to release my products. But I do not foresee a chance at that becoming a reality. I’ve giving up all hope in myself and that which I tried to accomplish here with The DM Doctor. So it is with a very heavy heart, and the most emotion I’ve been able to show, even to myself in over a decade, “Good bye.”
I wished that this would never have been needed, but diving into this endeavor was all that I had left. I’ve been removed from my closest friends for over ten years now. I started The DM Doctor with no support, from friends or family. I tried in vain to let everyone know how much it meant to me, but I was met with only a nod and smile. Though I occasionally speak to them (friends), I haven’t been a part of them for so long. The things (games) that brought me what joy I could express with my mental health are now that which tear me down right to my core. My wife actually discouraged me many times against going down this road because she felt that it was not healthy (she disapproves of roleplaying games but that’s not a discussion for this). Even writing causes me such grief because every character, every word, every thought I try to lay out only reminds me that no one is listening.
So I lay it all out here now. IF you are listening. IF you do enjoy The DM Doctor. IF something I have said, wrote, or done has impacted you, please tell. Reach out to me here. Or twitter. Or facebook. Google+. Email. In person. Because if there is at least one person out there, then maybe I can still make this work. Otherwise, I’ll make this my final goodbye.